Karen on teaching college

I've just found Karen's response to ktm guest, who writes that "Never before have I seen a group of parents so dedicated to blame-shifting and teacher scapegoating."

I think ktmguest's comment is interesting and almost certainly true of me — although I'm not completely sure what he/she means by "blame-shifting." I assume ktmguest means that "blame" is in order; the problem isn't that I'm blaming people, but that I'm blaming the wrong people, namely teachers.

I assume this means that I should be blaming my child, or me, or both.

I've thought about this.

At some point this year I decided to "blame-shift" on purpose. That's what makes me a radical, as opposed to a reformer who eschews blogging in favor of "trying to bring about meaningful change," as our guest recommends.



how to succeed in middle school without really trying

part 2

I've mentioned that Christopher is in fantastic shape.

Other children have had a tougher time of it this year. I've been talking to parents, and the stories they tell me are distressing. I haven't asked anyone's permission to write about their children, and I think that some of the things they've gone through at our middle school are so painful that even with details disguised, it would be wrong for me to try to create a disguised version.

All I can say is that some parents feel their children are different now, after 6th grade, from what they were last summer. They aren't smiling the way they used to; their sweet faces are closed. Summer will put them right, I hope. (side anecdote: Ed came home from picking Jimmy & Andrew up at the Y last winter and told me that Jim, the teacher who runs the program — wonderful guy — had said the reason our students do so badly compared to students in other countries is that we have long summer vacations. I almost snapped his head off. If the year-round calendar "movement" picks up steam, I will march in the streets.)

Christopher's face is still sweet. He's still open, trusting, cheerful — and responsible! (How any teacher could miss the connection between responsibility and trust in the world is beyond me.) He likes his school (!), he likes his teachers, and he likes his friends. This summer he's having a blast at camp & he's even reasonably OK about his reading, vocabulary, and math program here at home.

In the spring, when the school planned a 1950s School Spirit day (I'm repeating a story I think I already left in the Comments), Christopher put together his own costume. He was so excited! Then, when he got to school, he discovered that only four children had dressed up for the day. Four. If you didn't wear a costume, you were supposed to wear the school colors, and nobody was wearing the school colors, either.

Think about it. Ed and I have produced one of only 4 children in the entire 6th grade who has school spirit.

This weekend my neighbor hired Christopher for the first time to look after her dogs for two days while they drive their son to camp.

Christopher has remembered the exact time he was supposed to go to her house, without reminding. Apparently he's fixing to become a punctual adult, a quality he didn't pick up from either of us I'm sorry to say.

It's almost as if this year never happened. Christopher is his same self.

His same self, only older and more mature. This feels like a miracle.



how to be on your child's side

Ed and I have both had the sense that our war with the school, which on the face of it sounds like a dreadful idea, turned out to be some kind of Brilliantly Counterintuitive Parenting Strategy. (sorry)

I couldn't understand it.

Then Ed said the reason war-with-the-school worked was simply that it meant we directed our anger at the school, not at our child.

Which is exactly what ktm guest objects to. In this, he/she is typical of the tone set by our own middle school. Our middle school triangulates parents against their children. We are told constantly that our children need to "take responsibility for their learning"; then, when our children get bad grades, we are encouraged to see this as a failure of character, not teaching.

This works. Parents here are tremendously responsible, hard-working people. Most of them were also good students for whom learning and good grades came easily. Suddenly they have children bringing home Cs, Ds, and Fs, and they're shocked. They know their children are brighter than a "D" or an "F" (they're right) so they conclude that the child would have earned an A or a B if only he'd studied.

Then of course we all signed our children's Contract to Improve My Grades: "I am responsible for the grades I receive. I can improve my grades by changing my study behavior." Ed and I are the only parents in the entire 6th grade, to my knowledge, who refused to allow our child to hand the contract back in.



when the baby is crying, the parents are fighting

Years ago, when Jimmy was a baby and we didn't know he was autistic, our family motto was "When the baby is crying, the parents are fighting."

Jimmy cried constantly; he was a very, very difficult baby. We didn't know how to help him, we didn't know what was wrong, we didn't know why he cried so much when other people's babies didn't.

We had as happy a marriage as anyone we knew, but inevitably, at some point, we would snap at each other. When your child suffers, your marriage suffers.

Our middle school stresses children and families. The K-5 schools never, ever did this. Never. Nor does the high school. Our middle schools is the problem child of the district.

More than once children in Christopher's class cried at school when they got their Cs and Ds and Fs returned to them in class. "My mom is going to kill me." "My mom is going to ground me."

Christopher would tell them, "My mom blames the school."

He would!

Imagine how beloved we are!

That kept him safe.

His job was clear. He was supposed to do his homework, behave himself in class and on the playground, and learn.

Those were his responsibilities.

If he did all those things and still got clobbered, we blamed the school. We intend to keep right on blaming the school if things don't change next year, under the new principal.



two moms I know

I know two other moms who took this path.

Both began the year believing that their child had to be responsible, and both adopted the school's definition of the word.

Both found their relationships with their children under stress. Anger, arguments, tears.

One was looking at the possibility that her son would have to attend summer school or even repeat 6th grade. He was failing, and the household was in an uproar.

When we talked in January, she was at her wits' end with her child.

I told her she needed to be at her wits' end with the school, not her son. She didn't believe me, so I pushed.

Finally I said, "Is there any family in town who wouldn't welcome your son into their home."

No.

I said, "J. is a good person. He is responsible. He has good character. He is doing the best he can. It's the school's job to make sure he learns the material they're teaching. They are the adults; they are the employees of the school district; they must teach him."

I didn't talk to her for a few months after that. When I did she told me that that one conversation changed her life! "We don't argue about school any more," she said. "J. comes home and he wants to do his homework. He gets right down to it. He knows he can do it."

This is what a pep talk and a $90-an-hour tutor will do for a kid!

Joking aside, she and her husband did what they had to do. The school was going to fail their child, literally fail him in his case. When they hired the tutor — and $90/hour is money they can ill afford to spend — and stopped all anger about his spacy ways, he soared. His face is still sweet like Christopher's, too.


For my other friend the shift was more gradual. She's a very strong parent. She sets firm rules & lots of them, she enforces her rules, and she expects her kids to do as they're told at home and at school. I sometimes tell Christopher that if he doesn't shape up he's going to go live with my friend for a while. She's that kind of mom.

She was pretty hostile to my blame-the-school philosophy at first.

I wore her down.

That's a joke, though there's some truth to it, I think. I'm perfectly happy to use the words "I blame the school." What I mean, though, is that I hold the school accountable — and after I've said this a few dozen times parents realize that they agree.

None of us is paying the school to teach responsibility.

We are paying the school to teach reading, writing, and math.

Over time, I think, my friend simply stopped believing the school narrative.



all your children are belong to us

Middle schools slam the gates shut. Childhood is over; parents stay out.

That's the message. I've heard this from parents everywhere.

A mom who pulled her child out of the school reminded me that last year, at the 5th grade graduation ceremony, the middle school principal told parents, "Your children are mine now."

This fall, at back to school night, he told us, "This is the year your child will stop talking to you. So come to us. Your children talk to us, and we'll know more about your child than you do."

That's pretty close to a direct quote.

If your middle school principal or teachers make sounds like this, it's time to set limits.

You don't need to be in open conflict with the school. But you do need to make clear to your child that you are still the parent. You are still the parent, you are still in charge, and you, not the school, will decide what he needs to do to be considered a responsible human being.

The school's job is to teach content.

And that's it.





Karen on college teaching

Karen's statement is beautiful.

Most Americans idealize teachers, and this is why:

I am both a parent and a college professor. My teaching philosophy is that the teacher sets the tone. I am also always mindful that as a teacher, I am modeling behavior.

Do I want them to take responsibility? Yes, I do, and I model that at every opportunity. For example, I broke my ankle last semester and was not allowed to put weight bearing pressure on it for six weeks. Just getting through the day became a challenge. However, I missed only one class and that was to have the cast put on; that appointment was dictated by the orthopedic surgeon. I also took great pains to connect the dots for my freshmen students to make sure they understood that while it was a challenge for me to be there, I was still there. I turned my misfortune into a teaching moment.

I am also mindful that while I am the teacher, I am also a student. My goal is to always be learning--in every way possible. That means I have to see the world through my students' eyes and it also means that I have to take responsibility for my own actions as well. Translated into action for me, that means that I am actively engaged in the process of learning.

For example, I can rant and rave and tell students that if they don't proofread their papers, there will be consequences. However, what I have learned from getting in the trenches with students is that sometimes it's a lack of knowing how to proofread effectively (it's a skill that can be taught), and sometimes it truly is carelessness. However, sometimes the students just don't know the rules of grammar, which is an entirely different problem. If you don't know how to use a comma properly in the first place, then proofreading isn't going to help all that much.

I also understand full well the importance of paying attention to detail. Without that skill, the students will have a hard time passing their introductory accounting class. So, in the freshmen class that I teach, my goal is to purposely and mindfully structure my assignments in such a way that I am helping the students grow that skill. Put simply, if I want my students to develop a skill or habit, then I need to teach it, and then provide opportunities for them to practice it--to reinforce the skill.

I also have the philosophy that if what I'm doing isn't achieving the objective I wish to achieve, I need to examine and understand why that is. Did I explain (teach) the concept in a way that the students understood it? Were my expectations clearly stated, or did I unintentionally surprise them? Is it them, or is it me or is there a design flaw with the system? In short, I suppose I approach such matters as possible problems to be solved. That is, I use critical thinking and problem solving skills.

Don't misunderstand me--I am both confident and competent. It's just that I am always striving for perfection--to do the best job that I can at teaching and at reaching the maximum number of students possible. I want all of my students to succeed and I want to help them do so, if they are motivated to do so. And I want them to understand that they are accountable for their actions and that there are consequences for their actions.

I don't know what grade or subject you teach, or whether your students are motivated or not, but I am curious about your method for handing out homework papers. Why is it that the students don't seem to able to pick up the papers on the way out the door? If they are typical kids, the minute that class is over, they may be focused on talking to their friends. Or, perhaps they are trying to get to their next class on time. Or, maybe they just don't care. That's a different and more difficult issue and one that would require a bit more reflection and analysis. But, assuming that they do care and are motivated to succeed, why not hand the papers out during class?

I also want my students to understand that they are accountable for their actions and that there are consequences for their actions, both positive and negative. However, I am also mindful of what I call the human motivation factor. I always want a student to believe that they can succeed if they are willing to put in the time and effort that is needed to do so. That is not the same as a harsh and punitive approach to grading.

For example, the infamous deduction of 20 points for failing to label the graph. In the first place, that seems pretty harsh for 6th graders. Did the teacher just assume that this procedure had been taught to automaticity in the earlier grades? Or, did she teach it herself? Did she provide a rubric with the consequences spelled out? Don't misunderstand me--I think that it's appropriate that this is automatic. My question is--did she teach it, or know full well that someone else had? Also, what was her objective with deducting 20 points--was it "teach a lesson?" If so, what lesson was she trying to teach? And perhaps what I'm also getting it (and what the parents are getting at) is: What is her teaching philosophy? Why is she doing what she is doing? What is she trying to accomplish, and are the methods she is using the best way to achieve this?

I would guess that the KTM readers and the IMS teachers want the same thing. We want our kids to have solid, fundamental skills, we want them to love learning, and to be respectful of others. We want them to pay attention to detail, to be careful readers, and to learn to take responsibility for their actions. In short, we want our children to have all the tools they need to be able to survive and thrive in the world as productive citizens. However, what we may not agree on is the most effective method to get there. And that, I think, is the source of frustration for many parents.