Comments

This is pretty amusing, the different perspectives of moms and dads!

We do have anti-bullying propaganda at school, and a lot of it, but nothing like every day; nothing institutional, if you know what I mean. Actually the anti-bullying stuff has been good for my son; sort of like a "Circle of friends" program for the whole school.

Catherine, is this book "Good friends" seriously Catherine-recommended? I haven't picked up a social skills book like that yet, because there are tons of them and on a random perusal, most of them are pretty useless ("when kids tease you, ignore them").

-- CarolynJohnston - 19 Jul 2005

It's one of the best books I've ever read on kids -- but I should warn you that my view of books-on-kids is that they're all bad.

Fred Frankel says, at the beginning, that his book is not intended with kids for autism or Asperger syndrome.

But I question that.

Here's what he does.

He precisely breaks down exactly what kids do to make friends.

EXACTLY. Down to the finest detail.

It's Xtreme behaviorism.

For instance, he says that when kids approach other kids to play or start a conversation or interact in some way, they are rejected 30% of the time!

I don't know about you, but I find that incredibly useful.

Most of the adults around here seem to think it's Bad When Kids Reject Each Other--and, from an adult perspective, it IS bad. I certainly wouldn't reject 30% of the people who tried to talk to me at a party.

But Frankel says 30% IS WHAT KIDS DO; IT'S NORMAL.

Then he tells you what a kid should do when he is rejected, which is: HE SHOULD ACCEPT HIS REJECTION AND MOVE ON!

I just don't see how that wouldn't be helpful to the parent of a very high-functioning child.

He also tells you almost exactly what your child should say and do in order to join a group of kids playing a game. (Hint: always join the losing side!)

Frankel (and others) make the point that we adults can't even see children's social skills; we see their behavior through an adult filter.

And he provides fantastic conceptual knowledge.

After I read his chapter on bullying, I had all the conceptual understanding I needed to solve the problem.

I knew that children who are bullied share two characteristics:

1. they cry easily, giving the bully bang for the buck
2. they are compliant to other children

Both of these things were true of Christopher.

When Christopher's friend was being bullied, I was stumped.

I knew he didn't cry easily, and I'd never seen him be compliant to other kids.

And then it hit me.

When other kids bullied him he ran.

Well, talk about bang for your buck. Number one, motion triggers everyone's 'prey chase drive,' and number two: chasing a running target is fun, whether you're planning to kill and eat your prey at the end of the chase or not.

I told his mother: Tell him not to run.

I also told her that not only should he not run, he should make direct eye contact with the lead bully, and take a step forward.

The message: There are 5 of you, and 1 of me, so, yes, you can stuff me in a garbage can if you like.

But I'm not the only one coming out of this with bruises.

I don't know how much of that she told her son, but I know she conveyed the basic thrust.

The bullying situation disappeared so fast I almost had to jog her memory when I asked her how things were going two weeks later!

Here's my feeling for you & Ben.

I would check the Amazon write-up to make sure there are no warnings that this book is OFF-LIMITS to 12 year olds.

Then I would buy the book even if there are.

It may not be what you need, and Frankel himself says it isn't.

But if I had higher-functioning kids, I would be working with this book.

-- CatherineJohnson - 19 Jul 2005

This sounds like it's right up our alley.

Ben is actually not easily bullied (he is compliant to NOONE), but he's easy to fluster.

The 30% rejection rate -- you know, that doesn't surprise me at all! Especially when Ben was younger, I noticed that there were a lot of times when I'd coach Ben to approach a kid, and the kid would blow him off without even looking at him, as though he weren't even there. I would think: That's just so.... autistic. But these were completely typical kids!

Girls seem to 'act autistic' less at all ages. Boys seem to do it less when they're older.

I was mercilessly teased myself as a kid. (I definitely did the Things You Shouldn't Do -- I complied, b/c I wanted to have friends, and I cried at the drop of a hat).

I was always told to "ignore it". I hated that, because I COULDN'T ignore it. How could I?

I have found it more useful to tell the kids to keep a stone face no matter what they say to you. At least then you're allowed to be boiling on the inside.

-- CarolynJohnston - 20 Jul 2005